Dear Bangkok: a love letter

Dear Bangkok,

It’s not me, it’s you. No, this is not a breakup. I actually just signed another six-month contract just to be with you, but let’s get one thing straight: you are driving me insane.

I feel as though I am torn in as many directions as there are BTS stops. In the U.S., I felt as though I was going stir crazy because of the mundanity it represented to me. It’s different with you. You always keep me on my toes, exploring new places yet doing these terribly questionable things. I have drinks at a ladyboy strip club on a Wednesday just because I can, and I’m staying out until 9 a.m. because sleeping on the weekends is nothing more than a waste of time, right?

The copious amount of money I previously thought I would be saving has funded my travels, my newfound diet and, of course, my extravagant weekends. While the diet has been a blessing (as my body was slowly turning to rubber), I don’t seem to be doing anything of value here lately, and quite frankly, I blame you.

I was writing frequently, obsessed with perfecting this blog and sending out handfuls of emails a day in hopes of doing more freelance work. I have since lightened my load and the ambition has stopped pulsing from my fingertips into well-written emails to some editor I may never hear back from again.

When did I get off track? When did I lose this determination? The more I contemplate this newfound laziness the more I realize how much you tear me down. You are the giant bad habit that sits just outside my door, and you are the temptation that catcalls from the parking lot of my condominium.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m not falling in love with you. When I first became acquainted with you in November, I thought I would be hightailing it north within my first six months; yet here I am, daydreaming of our future together. Where will this next six months take us? What does this mean for my family and friends back home? Do you feel the same way?

I’m afraid that you don’t. I’m afraid that one of these nights you will up and leave me all alone in a city of millions of people. I’m afraid we will take it too far, and the entirety of our relationship will be gone with one wrong move. You make me feel invincible, yet little situations you have neglected to protect me in make me realize how human I really am.

This letter is a promise to myself. I’m going to get back to the things that are important to me: teaching, writing, traveling with purpose, my newfound love for photography and helping protect the street dogs that have finally saddened me the point of action. While I’m not sure where I’m going from here, I’m making sure I throw down the shovel and finally let you dig your own grave without a helping hand from me.

Don’t let this letter fool you. I think so highly of you. I think you are innovative, exciting and you have been so good to me. I wouldn’t change what we had for the world, but I think it’s time we switched it up a bit.

I’m not leaving you, but things are going to be different. We can make each other better. We can be better.

Sending you all my love,

Kelly